Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
