I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
