The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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