i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
