On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
