that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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