I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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