new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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