we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
