I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
