im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
