My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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