i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
