just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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