I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
