So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID