Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.