i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
