my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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