remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
