smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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