"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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