i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
