Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
