just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
