also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
