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• (360): View more from Washington

  afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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• (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  You make a valid point.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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• (509): View more from Washington

  He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.

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• (88): View more from

  As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..

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• (619): View more from California

  What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  I hope none of us try to run for public office one day

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