he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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