dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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