he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
