Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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