I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
