The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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