Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
