i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
