I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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