I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
