I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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