you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
