I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
