I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
