Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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