I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
