my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I will pee on everything he values.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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