The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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