I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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