she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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