he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
