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Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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