did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
