Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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