nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
