I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
